PSA

May. 19th, 2014 02:28 pm
cryptogirl: Angry protagonists (Isaac Mendez)
[personal profile] cryptogirl
Oh, this wasn't the post I wanted to write today. I wanted to write something Wings Over Scotland-ish about social housing, but you'll have to wait now.


In a day riddled with tedious woes, like trying to fix Adobe ruining Word's dialog boxes on the XP machine, attempting to speak to a human at HMRC to not pay the National Insurance I don't need to pay, and trying to get a book agent, I'd like to remind people of something.

When I used to ask tech forums about, say, a programming question, the amount of useful answers tended to be eclipsed by the whistling sound of people's dicks as they waved them uselessly at the questioner and other users in an attempt to show how terribly clever they are.

This is, of course, very unhelpful. This sort of response never *answers the question*, but is often some kind of meta-wank like 'PFFT WHY ARE YOU EVEN CODING IN JAVA USE MATLAB INSTEAD', or starting a huge discussion with other people while the questioner flaps sadly, waiting for an answer that never comes, like an internet Godot or something. It might show that you won a gold medal at your school debating team, but you basically look like an arsewipe.

So it goes. But this is the Real World where people have Feelings and Social Skills and want to know Answers To Things. Sadly, the tech forum effect seems to extend to Facebook (and to a lesser extent Twitter). Here's an example conversation I'd like to have. Pay attention, 007!

Me: I'm having problems with Word not displaying dialogs after an Adobe update on my XP box, any helpful suggestions?

You: Why certainly, have you tried a number of helpful things like uninstalling the devil's jism that is Adobe, Word's safe mode or System Restore?

Me: I have not! Thank you, helpful person!

Or how about this one?

Me: HMRC want me to pay Class 2 NICs but I have an exemption certificate. I can't speak to a human on this phoneline, does anyone have any alternative numbers to dial from a mobile, or pro tips about arguing this?

You: Here is a direct number/email address that's worked for me/suggestion to write angry letters.

Me: THANKS, TAXPAYER.

What actually happens when you ask the assembled is one lone voice bleating through the sanity, like this:

Me: Word problems, Adobe etc etc. Halp?

You: WTF WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON XP/USING WORD/WHY AM I EVEN HELPING SOMEONE WITH AN UNCONVENTIONAL CAREER WHILE I SIT PAYING YOUR NATIONAL INSURANCE BY ROLLING MY DICK ON VISUAL STUDIO FOR 8 HOURS

Me: :(

Or even:

Me: HMRC smell of wee, help!

You: YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAND IT OVER THATCHER'S BRITAIN ETC ETC I'VE DONE THIS FOR YEARS AND YET AM INCAPABLE OF GIVING A SENSIBLE ANSWER TO A NEWCOMER

Me: Erm, that's not even an answer.

You see the difference? It's like asking 'What's the tastiest variety of apple?' and answering with 'I LIKE PINEAPPLES HURPDURP'. It's not big, it's not clever and it sure starts to look like money and social class don't buy you skills above a heinous hybrid of Jeremy Kyle and a scrotum.

Now, I guess reacting angrily might hurt other people's feelings. But I've lived in a boggy fen for 11 years, gradually getting ground down by this sort of bullshit, and so I'm going out on a limb to say my temper is fairly short for putting up with it now I'm in sunny North Britain. The next time I see this happening on any of my online places, the banhammer is coming out. You have been warned. I now have the answer to my questions, but only after a lot of wank, and with a stinking headache at the end of it. Fuck this, I'm off for a walk in the sun. Mondays, eh.

So, in summary, when you leave the house make sure you a) check the gas is off and b) put your internet dick away.



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