It's that time of year again!
Mar. 19th, 2012 06:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cryptogirlYes! It's only a full two months before I ruin every social media on Earth spaffing about Eurovision! And today is the start, because all the acts have been presented to the EBU. So of course, my tuppence worth under the cut. But first ALL STAND FOR THE NATIONAL EUROVISION ANTHEM
UK- Englebert Humperdinck, 'Love Will set You Free'
HAIRPIECE HOLY SHIT LOOK AT IT. JUST. HAIRPIECE OMG. Dodgy rugs aside, this is a grower. Minor key ballad, key change, soaring strings, good set of pipes on him. Shame it was apparently penned by the guy that inflicted You're Beautiful on an uncaring world. Still, I have high hopes this ain't a nul-pointer.
Lithuania- Donny Montell, 'Love Is Blind'
Ooh, gimmick alert! See what he did there? Blind, blindfold? There's a nice build from a ballady start to average doof-doof Eurodisco. Donny reminds me of that Kavana bloke. Anyone remember him? 'I Can Make You Feel Good'? PLEASE SAY YOU DO OR I'LL BE ALL OLD AND SHRIVELLED D: Anyway, harmless enough track, no key change, dishy singer.
Finland- Pernilla Karlsson, 'Nar jag blundar'
Airy Kate Bush dancing- check. Cute pixie-ish singer- check. Earnest cellist- check. Ooh, it's like a big floofy ethereal slice of Scandinavian depression. Lovely.
Portugal- Filipa Sousa, 'Vida Minha'
Native instruments and language- drink. It looks like some people are lost on their way to a classical concert and have ended up wandering round busty Nigella-alike and raven-haired Portu-gal Filipa. Oh, now there's ballet. I blame Dima Bilan and his wee ice-rink dancer for all this interpretative dance. Not bad, but not good either.
Slovakia- Max Jason Mai, 'Don't Close Your Eyes'
Finally, metal! Wouldn't be out of place in any self-respecting music chart. This video has already provided my monthly allowance for hideous nightmares involving men with bandagefaces. AND THAT'S FINE
Greece- Eleftheria Eleftheriou, 'Aphrodisiac'
I'd just like to start by saying nothing will ever replace Opa by Bruce Willis- er, Georgos Alkaios. NOTHING. That song rules. That said, the chorus here is catchy, and they too have gone for Fruity Bird With Large Boobs. I counted at least three panty flashes before I had to have a lie down. Erm. Conclusion: Still not Opa, still would cover singer in taramasalata. OPA
Spain- Pastora Soler, 'Quedate Conmigo'
Safe ballad territory here. But not unpleasant, and she's got a great voice. Cheeky key change, mandatory choral rousing, and we could be onto a high scorer.
Ukraine- Gaitana, 'Be My Guest'
Weird hunting horn-based intro leading into Ultra Nate-soundalike danceathon. Wait, what's this wobwob dubstep bit in the verse? Not sure if want. This smacks of throwing popular 'yoof' genres in a blender and painting it in gloss. Even the video has ADHD. I feel like my eyes have been set upon by a cheese grater :(
Netherlands- Joan, 'You And Me'
GIMMICK KLAXON. I see she's channeling 70s Top Of The Pops songstrels with her YMCA outfit and folksy guitar twee. OH GOD NOW THERE ARE TAMBOURINES. I'm leaving, on a jet plane.
Bosnia-Herzegovina- Maya Sar, 'Korake Ti Znam'
This poor lady's got her piano stuck in the Flashdance foundry for some reason. Now she's stuck on a train.. What will the man and his donkeys think? Well, this is more safe pair of hands balladry. Should score well I guess...
Cyprus- Ivi Adamou, 'La La Love'
Ooh, Liv Tyler. I like a video that channels Stay by Shakespears Sister and Snow White in the good vs evil thing. And it's annoyingly catchy to boot. La la la la la la la MAKE IT STOP
Estonia- Ott Lepland, 'Kuula'
'When I was young, I never needed anyone...' Sorry, it just started all Eric Carmen there. He looks like one of the guys at the back in any given boyband, but his voice is OK. Oh eh up, it's building...KEY CHANGE. ALL BY MYSEEEELLLF, DON'T WANNA BEEEEE- oh, quiet ending. Hm, on the fence about this one. But I like Eric Carmen.
Serbia- Zeljko Joksimovic, 'Nije Ljubav Stvar'
Long string section intro is long. Wait, isn't that Steve Brookstein, tough-hewn trashed-by-Cowell triller of X Factor fame? Oh, another ballad. I like his woodwind guy, reminds me of Matt Mulholland's seminal rendition of My Heart Will Go On on recorder. Key change with added glitter confetti isn't really pepping this up though. Ah well.
Belarus- Litesound, 'We Are The Heroes'
The cast of Tron, here, taking time out of zooming around in your old computer to inflict their average faux-retro pop on you. Those novelty microphones might garner a few votes, mind you. Not sure why the drummer's erected a novelty barrier round his kit though. Perhaps he's expecting ladies to throw pants at him.
Albania- Rona Nishliu, 'Suus'
I went to Albania once. It's full of archaeology and poverty. And it's called 'Shqip' in the native tongue. So there you go. Meanwhile, back in the Tate Modern, a young upstart is scribbling on the walls while an earnest lady stuck in a box ballads at us. I see she subscribes to the foghorn school of projecting- Sennheisers blasted right off my ears here. Not sure about the Cyrano de Bergerac look either. Oh god, now put random household objects together because it's 'art'. Come back, Tracy Emin, all is forgiven.
FYR Macedonia- Kaliopi, 'Crno i Belo'
I sense this is about to get Meatloaf on me. Ruffles, dramatic piano, gritty voice. Oh, I'm mostly right, it's rocking out, but in an acceptable medium-sized way. This isn't too bad, really. HOLY SHIT THE SCREAM THOUGH. *glasses shatter* That's going to be a fun one on the night.
Belgium- Iris, 'Would You'
More ballad, sigh. I even prefer the James Blunt-alike from the other year with his chirpy guitar song. 'Are we done here?' she croons. WELL APPARENTLY NOT, THE TRITE CHORUS IS HERE. Who knows, it might do well, but then again who votes for Belgium?
Montenegro- Rambo Amadeus, 'Euro Neuro'
Well, his name wins for a start, how about the track? Erm. Oh jeez, he's a cross between the rapping grandad and the helium-sucking French guy, isn't he? And the song is political to boot. I'm not convinced I haven't had something slipped in this sausage roll, because I'm seeing a man in a spa with a donkey playing volleyball. Well, this is my favourite non-serious entry so far.
Croatia- Nina Badric, 'Nebo'
Ballad ballad balladzzzz. Glossy video though, with lots of overwrought billowing fabric and topless men faking dives at Premiership matches. Oh, it key changed AND went gently upbeat! Still safe pair of hands territory though.
Romania- Mandinga, 'Zaleilah'
Coldplay drumming and faux-bagpipe intro? DO WANT. Jaunty accordion and fruity catsuit-clad singer? STILL WANT. I sense some Autotuning which makes me sad for the live performance being a bit pants, though. All the same, it's upbeat! It has native instruments! You can dance to it! Definitely a favourite.
Azerbaijan- Sabina Babayeva, 'When The Music Dies'
What can the hosts pull off then? Is it Eurodance? Novelty? IF YOU GUESSED BALLAD A WINNAR IS YOU. She's channelling Christina Aguilera, for sure, and that's good, but I wonder how many homes were bulldozed to fund that glossy professional video? < /mandatorytopicalpoint>
Malta- Kurt Calleja, 'This Is The Night'
Not a good start, the official site's video is 'private'. Sigh. To Youtube I go, then. Was it worth the effort? Well, it's not a ballad I suppose. It sounds like a nice chartered accountant singing karaoke of a Friday night. Low on gimmicks, but there is a lady drummer I see. So that's something.
Hungary- Compact Disco, 'Sound Of Our Hearts'
I'm sure I've fought that lead singer as a boss in Mass Effect at some point. No? I was sort of expecting upbeat given the name 'Compact Disco', but a better name would have been 'Slightly Cramped Earnest Gloom-pop'. S'alright.
Denmark- Soluna Samay, 'Should've Known Better'
It's Taylor Swift in Cheryl Cole's uniform! This is nice and bouncy, not out of place in the UK chart. Should do pretty well.
Norway- Tooji, 'Stay'
Nice acrobatic start there. There's a bit of the LMFAO vibe about that bleepy bassline. This is a good generous chunk of trad Eurodance, so it ought to be a crowdpleaser. Needs more pyrotechnics though tbh.
Latvia- Anmary, 'Beautiful Song'
I smell novelty. What are these lyrics I don't even. Now they're doing a weird hoedown dance and there's manic serial killer eyes. BUCKS FIZZ DRESS REVEAL KLAXON. Oh, she covered up. I guess she didn't get the memo you rip off the maxi and stay mini. She scares me :(
Turkey- Can Bonomo, 'Love Me Back'
And now, Canned Bonobo, unashamedly native folksy. It's sort of like the singer from Curiosity Killed The Cat's been dropped into Jethro Tull and asked to do a kids TV theme about pirates. AND THAT MY FRIEND IS A WINNING COMBINATION
Austria- Trackshittaz, 'Woki Mit Deim Popo'
Well, that's a...great name. I think. Uh. Oh god, it's Zammo from Grange Hill and fat Botoxed Stewart Lee. But nice neon-clad poledancer gimmick, have to say. This is very silly BUT LOOK THEY'RE DISTRACTING YOU WITH NEON BUM WIGGLING. And that's the rest of my nightmare quota with their neon facepaint. Good effort, guys.
Germany- Roman Lob, 'Standing Still'
Oh, come back Lena, all is forgiven. You were all quirky and cute and upbeat and talented. This is one set of stools and keychange away from what I call the Westlife Wasteland. If you like that kind of thing, you'll love Roman. *overwrought hand gesture, sits back on stool*
Bulgaria- Sofi Marinova, 'Love Unlimited'
Cascada-style Eurodance. Lovely. For some reason, though, the age range of the singer doesn't seem to match the music. Small criticism though. Loving the pyro and 8-bit heart background. Good solid entry here.
Slovenia- Eva Boto, 'Verjamem'
GAGA HAT GIMMICK KLAXON. But it cannot save this ballad from the heap of other ballads that I am completely and utterly indifferent about. Maybe some people in pointy hats will pogo on like last year's Moldovan entry, or Duke Nukem on sax like the year before and liven things up a touch. But no, the military drumbeat goes on, and some more badly-millinered bridesmaids have trooped on. Not even the key change can save you now.
Russia- Buranovskiye Babushki, 'Party For Everybody'
Ah, the much-vaunted Russian grannies. They beat off Tatu and Dima Bilan, apparently. Aww, look at their little faces. AND THEN IT WENT EURODANCE. WHAT. It's like a knees-up at the Dog and Duckski on acid. Well, it's not the new Legs & Co, but I expect this will do well for sheer novelty lulz.
Israel- Izabo, 'Time'
Cor, who let the indie circus band in? Oh god, it's stuck in my head now. I do hope he goes for the full bunch of clowns on trapezes at the live show.
Ireland- Jedward, 'Waterline'
SPEAKING OF CLOWNS. Actually, last year's offering from the quiffed ones wasn't bad, and hey, they looked like they were having a good time. This is catchy, cheesy and danceable, so that ticks a few boxes. Wish it wasn't quite so Autotuned to death though, but that won't matter when they bounce up and down tunelessly singing it, I guess. Favourite to have permanent rictus grin of SUPER HAPPY FUN ENJOYMENT TIME.
France- Anggun, 'Echo (You And I)'
Plus point: It's not Crazy Guy from a few years back. Um.
Minus point: It's a heap of merde.
So there you have it. Ballad-heavy, rare on the novelty, hopefully saved on the night by Graham Norton, worthy successor of Sir Terence of Wogan, and his withering sarcasm. As usual there will be some kind of shindig towards the semi-finals, so watch this space. There will be mandatory Opa and maybe even fondue. MAYBE FONDUE. YOU LUCKY BASTARDS.
UK- Englebert Humperdinck, 'Love Will set You Free'
HAIRPIECE HOLY SHIT LOOK AT IT. JUST. HAIRPIECE OMG. Dodgy rugs aside, this is a grower. Minor key ballad, key change, soaring strings, good set of pipes on him. Shame it was apparently penned by the guy that inflicted You're Beautiful on an uncaring world. Still, I have high hopes this ain't a nul-pointer.
Lithuania- Donny Montell, 'Love Is Blind'
Ooh, gimmick alert! See what he did there? Blind, blindfold? There's a nice build from a ballady start to average doof-doof Eurodisco. Donny reminds me of that Kavana bloke. Anyone remember him? 'I Can Make You Feel Good'? PLEASE SAY YOU DO OR I'LL BE ALL OLD AND SHRIVELLED D: Anyway, harmless enough track, no key change, dishy singer.
Finland- Pernilla Karlsson, 'Nar jag blundar'
Airy Kate Bush dancing- check. Cute pixie-ish singer- check. Earnest cellist- check. Ooh, it's like a big floofy ethereal slice of Scandinavian depression. Lovely.
Portugal- Filipa Sousa, 'Vida Minha'
Native instruments and language- drink. It looks like some people are lost on their way to a classical concert and have ended up wandering round busty Nigella-alike and raven-haired Portu-gal Filipa. Oh, now there's ballet. I blame Dima Bilan and his wee ice-rink dancer for all this interpretative dance. Not bad, but not good either.
Slovakia- Max Jason Mai, 'Don't Close Your Eyes'
Finally, metal! Wouldn't be out of place in any self-respecting music chart. This video has already provided my monthly allowance for hideous nightmares involving men with bandagefaces. AND THAT'S FINE
Greece- Eleftheria Eleftheriou, 'Aphrodisiac'
I'd just like to start by saying nothing will ever replace Opa by Bruce Willis- er, Georgos Alkaios. NOTHING. That song rules. That said, the chorus here is catchy, and they too have gone for Fruity Bird With Large Boobs. I counted at least three panty flashes before I had to have a lie down. Erm. Conclusion: Still not Opa, still would cover singer in taramasalata. OPA
Spain- Pastora Soler, 'Quedate Conmigo'
Safe ballad territory here. But not unpleasant, and she's got a great voice. Cheeky key change, mandatory choral rousing, and we could be onto a high scorer.
Ukraine- Gaitana, 'Be My Guest'
Weird hunting horn-based intro leading into Ultra Nate-soundalike danceathon. Wait, what's this wobwob dubstep bit in the verse? Not sure if want. This smacks of throwing popular 'yoof' genres in a blender and painting it in gloss. Even the video has ADHD. I feel like my eyes have been set upon by a cheese grater :(
Netherlands- Joan, 'You And Me'
GIMMICK KLAXON. I see she's channeling 70s Top Of The Pops songstrels with her YMCA outfit and folksy guitar twee. OH GOD NOW THERE ARE TAMBOURINES. I'm leaving, on a jet plane.
Bosnia-Herzegovina- Maya Sar, 'Korake Ti Znam'
This poor lady's got her piano stuck in the Flashdance foundry for some reason. Now she's stuck on a train.. What will the man and his donkeys think? Well, this is more safe pair of hands balladry. Should score well I guess...
Cyprus- Ivi Adamou, 'La La Love'
Ooh, Liv Tyler. I like a video that channels Stay by Shakespears Sister and Snow White in the good vs evil thing. And it's annoyingly catchy to boot. La la la la la la la MAKE IT STOP
Estonia- Ott Lepland, 'Kuula'
'When I was young, I never needed anyone...' Sorry, it just started all Eric Carmen there. He looks like one of the guys at the back in any given boyband, but his voice is OK. Oh eh up, it's building...KEY CHANGE. ALL BY MYSEEEELLLF, DON'T WANNA BEEEEE- oh, quiet ending. Hm, on the fence about this one. But I like Eric Carmen.
Serbia- Zeljko Joksimovic, 'Nije Ljubav Stvar'
Long string section intro is long. Wait, isn't that Steve Brookstein, tough-hewn trashed-by-Cowell triller of X Factor fame? Oh, another ballad. I like his woodwind guy, reminds me of Matt Mulholland's seminal rendition of My Heart Will Go On on recorder. Key change with added glitter confetti isn't really pepping this up though. Ah well.
Belarus- Litesound, 'We Are The Heroes'
The cast of Tron, here, taking time out of zooming around in your old computer to inflict their average faux-retro pop on you. Those novelty microphones might garner a few votes, mind you. Not sure why the drummer's erected a novelty barrier round his kit though. Perhaps he's expecting ladies to throw pants at him.
Albania- Rona Nishliu, 'Suus'
I went to Albania once. It's full of archaeology and poverty. And it's called 'Shqip' in the native tongue. So there you go. Meanwhile, back in the Tate Modern, a young upstart is scribbling on the walls while an earnest lady stuck in a box ballads at us. I see she subscribes to the foghorn school of projecting- Sennheisers blasted right off my ears here. Not sure about the Cyrano de Bergerac look either. Oh god, now put random household objects together because it's 'art'. Come back, Tracy Emin, all is forgiven.
FYR Macedonia- Kaliopi, 'Crno i Belo'
I sense this is about to get Meatloaf on me. Ruffles, dramatic piano, gritty voice. Oh, I'm mostly right, it's rocking out, but in an acceptable medium-sized way. This isn't too bad, really. HOLY SHIT THE SCREAM THOUGH. *glasses shatter* That's going to be a fun one on the night.
Belgium- Iris, 'Would You'
More ballad, sigh. I even prefer the James Blunt-alike from the other year with his chirpy guitar song. 'Are we done here?' she croons. WELL APPARENTLY NOT, THE TRITE CHORUS IS HERE. Who knows, it might do well, but then again who votes for Belgium?
Montenegro- Rambo Amadeus, 'Euro Neuro'
Well, his name wins for a start, how about the track? Erm. Oh jeez, he's a cross between the rapping grandad and the helium-sucking French guy, isn't he? And the song is political to boot. I'm not convinced I haven't had something slipped in this sausage roll, because I'm seeing a man in a spa with a donkey playing volleyball. Well, this is my favourite non-serious entry so far.
Croatia- Nina Badric, 'Nebo'
Ballad ballad balladzzzz. Glossy video though, with lots of overwrought billowing fabric and topless men faking dives at Premiership matches. Oh, it key changed AND went gently upbeat! Still safe pair of hands territory though.
Romania- Mandinga, 'Zaleilah'
Coldplay drumming and faux-bagpipe intro? DO WANT. Jaunty accordion and fruity catsuit-clad singer? STILL WANT. I sense some Autotuning which makes me sad for the live performance being a bit pants, though. All the same, it's upbeat! It has native instruments! You can dance to it! Definitely a favourite.
Azerbaijan- Sabina Babayeva, 'When The Music Dies'
What can the hosts pull off then? Is it Eurodance? Novelty? IF YOU GUESSED BALLAD A WINNAR IS YOU. She's channelling Christina Aguilera, for sure, and that's good, but I wonder how many homes were bulldozed to fund that glossy professional video? < /mandatorytopicalpoint>
Malta- Kurt Calleja, 'This Is The Night'
Not a good start, the official site's video is 'private'. Sigh. To Youtube I go, then. Was it worth the effort? Well, it's not a ballad I suppose. It sounds like a nice chartered accountant singing karaoke of a Friday night. Low on gimmicks, but there is a lady drummer I see. So that's something.
Hungary- Compact Disco, 'Sound Of Our Hearts'
I'm sure I've fought that lead singer as a boss in Mass Effect at some point. No? I was sort of expecting upbeat given the name 'Compact Disco', but a better name would have been 'Slightly Cramped Earnest Gloom-pop'. S'alright.
Denmark- Soluna Samay, 'Should've Known Better'
It's Taylor Swift in Cheryl Cole's uniform! This is nice and bouncy, not out of place in the UK chart. Should do pretty well.
Norway- Tooji, 'Stay'
Nice acrobatic start there. There's a bit of the LMFAO vibe about that bleepy bassline. This is a good generous chunk of trad Eurodance, so it ought to be a crowdpleaser. Needs more pyrotechnics though tbh.
Latvia- Anmary, 'Beautiful Song'
I smell novelty. What are these lyrics I don't even. Now they're doing a weird hoedown dance and there's manic serial killer eyes. BUCKS FIZZ DRESS REVEAL KLAXON. Oh, she covered up. I guess she didn't get the memo you rip off the maxi and stay mini. She scares me :(
Turkey- Can Bonomo, 'Love Me Back'
And now, Canned Bonobo, unashamedly native folksy. It's sort of like the singer from Curiosity Killed The Cat's been dropped into Jethro Tull and asked to do a kids TV theme about pirates. AND THAT MY FRIEND IS A WINNING COMBINATION
Austria- Trackshittaz, 'Woki Mit Deim Popo'
Well, that's a...great name. I think. Uh. Oh god, it's Zammo from Grange Hill and fat Botoxed Stewart Lee. But nice neon-clad poledancer gimmick, have to say. This is very silly BUT LOOK THEY'RE DISTRACTING YOU WITH NEON BUM WIGGLING. And that's the rest of my nightmare quota with their neon facepaint. Good effort, guys.
Germany- Roman Lob, 'Standing Still'
Oh, come back Lena, all is forgiven. You were all quirky and cute and upbeat and talented. This is one set of stools and keychange away from what I call the Westlife Wasteland. If you like that kind of thing, you'll love Roman. *overwrought hand gesture, sits back on stool*
Bulgaria- Sofi Marinova, 'Love Unlimited'
Cascada-style Eurodance. Lovely. For some reason, though, the age range of the singer doesn't seem to match the music. Small criticism though. Loving the pyro and 8-bit heart background. Good solid entry here.
Slovenia- Eva Boto, 'Verjamem'
GAGA HAT GIMMICK KLAXON. But it cannot save this ballad from the heap of other ballads that I am completely and utterly indifferent about. Maybe some people in pointy hats will pogo on like last year's Moldovan entry, or Duke Nukem on sax like the year before and liven things up a touch. But no, the military drumbeat goes on, and some more badly-millinered bridesmaids have trooped on. Not even the key change can save you now.
Russia- Buranovskiye Babushki, 'Party For Everybody'
Ah, the much-vaunted Russian grannies. They beat off Tatu and Dima Bilan, apparently. Aww, look at their little faces. AND THEN IT WENT EURODANCE. WHAT. It's like a knees-up at the Dog and Duckski on acid. Well, it's not the new Legs & Co, but I expect this will do well for sheer novelty lulz.
Israel- Izabo, 'Time'
Cor, who let the indie circus band in? Oh god, it's stuck in my head now. I do hope he goes for the full bunch of clowns on trapezes at the live show.
Ireland- Jedward, 'Waterline'
SPEAKING OF CLOWNS. Actually, last year's offering from the quiffed ones wasn't bad, and hey, they looked like they were having a good time. This is catchy, cheesy and danceable, so that ticks a few boxes. Wish it wasn't quite so Autotuned to death though, but that won't matter when they bounce up and down tunelessly singing it, I guess. Favourite to have permanent rictus grin of SUPER HAPPY FUN ENJOYMENT TIME.
France- Anggun, 'Echo (You And I)'
Plus point: It's not Crazy Guy from a few years back. Um.
Minus point: It's a heap of merde.
So there you have it. Ballad-heavy, rare on the novelty, hopefully saved on the night by Graham Norton, worthy successor of Sir Terence of Wogan, and his withering sarcasm. As usual there will be some kind of shindig towards the semi-finals, so watch this space. There will be mandatory Opa and maybe even fondue. MAYBE FONDUE. YOU LUCKY BASTARDS.
